Ready to throw in the towel

Yesterday, I had my second interview in six months of looking.  I practiced the typical questions on a tape recorder over the weekend, but it didn’t prepare me for the questions I received yesterday.  I was so nervous and sweaty, I don’t remember what I said, but it was difficult to come up with a concise and clear answer for each question.  I clearly noticed that I sounded far less competent than I am and that my responses had little bearing on my ability to actually do the job I interviewed for. 

I have to admit that the stress of searching for full time employment with a very uncertain knowledge of who my support system is has really played a major factor in my interview skills.  In fact, I usually do well when I interview for a job when I am not in great need of one.  I suppose that it is a better idea for me to consider creating a routine for myself that will involve taking better care of me and putting my mental and spiritual health before finding a job. 

I have been at my part time job and worked an odd job, so I am not starving or on the brink of losing my shirt.  I am just grateful that I haven’t started drinking heavily or trying to score some recreational drugs.  The uncertainty of a season of searching for employment, especially full time employment is a lot more nerve-wracking than it may appear.  It is the test of a person’s character and what they rely on in order to get through the day. 

My faith has been shaken ever since I started graduate school.  It was not a pleasant experience.  Had it not been for my internship experience at another university, I am not sure if it would have been worth it.  Coupled with a difficult experience at school, I also had a hard time adjusting to the “do it yourself” mentality at my new church.  It is one thing to talk about the sovereignty of God, but actions speak much much louder than words.   When you are around successful people and you are lumped into the category of being affluent, successful, intelligent and an achiever – much greatness and togetherness is expected out of you – even when you are not told directly. 

My title means that I am ready to throw in the towel of doing a, b, c, d, e, f, g, ….of everything I have to do….and to really begin focusing on God’s sovereignty and taking care of myself over finding a job.  Jobs have positive and negative aspects to them.  Employment openings come and go with time.  People can only bring in a limited amount of support and comfort. 

I do not know how I am going to take care of myself because I have denied myself of any break, or grace.


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